Rediscovering Myself

Depression has a way of slipping into my life without any warning. No provocation. No invitation. Sometimes I don’t even know it’s there.

That’s what happened recently.

I tend to be a very happy person–almost too happy for some people’s tastes. 🙂 I live life fully and with the goal of having no regrets. I am surrounded by loving, caring people who would do anything for me. I am blessed beyond measure, and constantly grateful.

So why have I been feeling so overwhelmed? Why have I lacked focus? Why have I fallen so far behind? Why have I been so wracked with self-doubt? Why have I been unable to produce anything creative?

Depression.

I won’t go into all of the details–I’ll save that for a future post. But I will say that acknowledging the fact that I have been depressed for months has helped me (once I got past the surprise of this revelation!) I’ve put a name to it. I’ve discussed it with my loved ones. Though I don’t want Depression to make herself too comfy in my life, I’ve been working on living with her. If she needs to be here with me for a bit, she needs to learn that I need to be in control of my own life. I can’t continue to allow her to make me feel overwhelmed. I need the spinning thoughts to stop. I need to commit to a plan and follow through.

So this week I made lists. Lists help my spinning brain to regain focus. When I start to get off track and get frustrated and ready to quit, I consult the memo on my phone. Now I can feel successful rather than like a failure. Small things amount to big changes, right?

I’m also working on other ways to regain control. Working on eating better, planning weekly meals, shopping for ingredients so I don’t have a chance to get overwhelmed and order pizza “one more time.” Maybe this is the week I’ll make it to the gym since I know exercise will help my brain. But no matter what, I’m not going to beat myself up for any perceived failures. I’ll just remind myself of my plan and move forward.

And this is the week I’ll go back to writing. I’m committing myself to NaNoWriMo. I’m going to go to a kick-off party and force myself to both be social and to work on a new project that I’ve delayed for many months. I need to refocus and rebuild a career that has been derailed thanks to good old Depression.

Most importantly, I’m going to speak kindly to myself. Positive self-talk is so important, and something I preach all the time yet somehow forgot to utilize myself.

Thanks for reading my ramblings–I don’t normally share this sort of stuff, but I think it’s important to talk about these issues that affect so many of us. If you have ever had the unpleasant experience of having Depression as an unwanted visitor, you have my sympathies. And all my love.

Hugs,

~Amanda 🙂